Anonymous asked: I'm a sub and my owner says I've been developping a girl crush on you as I keep mentioning you in our conversations. I've been struggling recently with communicating my needs. I fail to see the line between healthy communication and imposing a rhythm and a frame to our relationship. I want to follow his orders and I'm fairly new at this and wonder : he knows my limits, but am I supposed to express my desires and needs? Is it a question of form or am I topping from the bottom? Thank you so kindly
Thank you so much for your question and the sweet compliment. I am not sure I am worthy of a “girl crush” - but it is lovely to hear.
I think one of most confused and misunderstood phrases in all of BDSM is “topping from the bottom.” - Untrained/New Dominant people often use it when their sub is challenging them or asking something of them — but that is not what that means. It’s not a magic button designed to make a sub “shut up and do what He says.”
Topping from the Bottom means the person assuming the submissive role (whether or a night or for a relationship) is actually the one in charge - giving orders or purposefully manipulating the situation to give her the power.
Topping from the Bottom does not mean:
- Setting a limit
- Saying when something hurts
- Expressing concern or fear about a command
- Expressing desires, feelings, wants or needs.
- Speaking out against unfairness, violation of agreements or abuse,
- Bringing ideas to the table
- Doing something with uniqueness or initiative.
Topping from the Bottom is about taking or asserting power. Communication is about sharing, connecting and collaborating.
For example: If I said to my master - “Look, I’ve served a month without an orgasm so today I better get one.” That would be Topping from the Bottom (and a good way to ensure I served another month without one).
If I said, “Sir, I have served a month without an orgasm and I am very sexually tense. I ask you to considering allowing me to have one this weekend.” Then I am expressing my need and concern.
If I said, “That cane on the thigh thing hurt like crap. You’re not hitting me with that again!” It would be power-taking.
If I said, “Sir, the cane on the inner thigh created a pain that took me days to heal from and I found it very painful.” I have communicated the truth so he can hear it. I’m not taking any power.
Attitude intention are what make something Topping from the Bottom. Masters who value their subs and slaves actively listen to their needs, desires and feelings. That way the Master knows the heart of the sub and can act accordingly. Masters who do not allow listening sessions or ways for a slave/sub to speak freely without fear (but with respect) - are not creating relationship - they are just acting out a selfish scene.